Donald Trump’s personal doctor recently released a ridiculous statement claiming the 70-year-old orange blob of a human would be the:
“…Healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.”
He also claimed Trump had lost 15 pounds and that his laboratory test results were astonishingly excellent. But we must remember that this doctor has been with Trump since 1980.
With the amount of money he’s received from Trump, he’d probably tell everyone that the GOP presidential candidate could beat Usain Bolt in a race to the nearest McDonald’s.
Speaking of McDonald’s, we know Trump has the diet of a chunky 10-year-old. He bragged last year that he didn’t have any time to exercise on the campaign trail and binged on junk food.
“I love steak and hamburger and pasta and French fries, all of the things that we shouldn’t be eating.”
So it shouldn’t surprise you to hear that ol’ Donald is obese. During Wednesday’s taping of The Dr. Oz Show Trump’s stats were reportedly revealed, and showed him to be 6-feet, 3-inches tall, weighing in at 236 pounds.
Some reports claim his weight is actually closer to 260, but either way, he’s overweight.
According to the audience members who were lucky enough to be at the taping, Trump once again talked about his love for fast food. He eats a “fair amount” of fast food while on the road. He also claimed he wants to lose at least 15-20 pounds.
Oh, and he’s on medication that helps lower his cholesterol, because he apparently lacks the courage to give up all that meat he’s constantly shoving down his disgusting throat.
But you know what? Losing weight is hard. Trump knows this better than anyone.
Back in 1996, Venezuela’s Alicia Machado won Miss Universe. After she received that coveted crown, she revealed that she had been starving herself in the months before the pageant:
“The year leading to it, I didn’t eat at all. And whatever I ate, I threw up. I weighed 116 pounds when I won. I was skeletal.”
She gained 19 pounds after the pageant, which put her back at a healthy weight, but Trump didn’t approve those 19 pounds. He demanded that Machado lose weight and called her Miss Piggy (which seems to be his favorite insult).
He then made her exercise in front of the media at a gym in Manhattan to prove:
“…That he was cracking the whip.”
Well, Donald… We’re not going to make you exercise in front of a bunch of cameras because no one wants to see your fat rolls move in waves across your body. And we sure as hell don’t want to see your face as you struggle to get that last rep in.
Your resting face is nauseating enough. We would like to help, though.
Your heart might always be cold and full of hate, but maybe we can at least help you to prevent a blockage.
So here is our advice to you:
1: Stop eating meat on a stick or inside a bun.
2: Replace the meat and fries with fruits and veggies.
A few of them even match the color of your skin, so it’ll feel like you’re eating yourself.
Could you imagine? Nothing tastes better than Trump, right?
3: Run. A lot.
Especially if you feel yourself starting to say something you might regret.
Take a run around your inappropriately sized bedroom, and then decide if you still want to say it.
4: Get to work on that wall you keep talking about.
Work with your hands, swing some tools around…
…Or hire a small army of people to swing you around. Either way, giant tools are swinging, and your heart will beat faster, which will help you lose those 15 pounds.
Watch Trump surprise Dr. Oz with health information:
Dear Readers: This article’s “Diet advice” is a parody supplied for your reading pleasure. We are not doctors, and nothing in this article is intended to be taken as actual medical advice.